I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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