WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
