why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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