Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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