i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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