Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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