one two three fourrrrnication!
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
