perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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