I'm really into asian looking animals
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
