if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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