im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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