If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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