You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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