All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
