dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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