So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
