There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
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Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
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It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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