I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Randomize
