hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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