Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
