He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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