theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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