i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
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