I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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