The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
