mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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