Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
