GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
