My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
