i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
