I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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