she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
