No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
