Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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