don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
