I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
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Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
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The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
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I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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