You don't have asthma, your pregnant
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
