i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Randomize
