We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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