you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
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