There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
