Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
there is puke in my bra ... again
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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