I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
