rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
