good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
