is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
