he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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