My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
