I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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