A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
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Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
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I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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