i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
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