Redeem this text for a blowjob
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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