There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
