You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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