He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Randomize
