I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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