I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
