nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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