I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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