her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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